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When I was 22 a friend of my mother’s came to stay with us after her abusive husband had thrown her out of the family home. After a few days she decided to return against the advice of my parents and myself. I remember desperately struggling to persuade her not to return and found it impossible to understand why she would so willingly go back to such a violent situation. If my partner had attempted to strangle me or threatened to take my child away from me I would not return to him and I am sure as you are reading this you are nodding your head in agreement. Surely no one in their right mind would do such a thing! |
A year later while doing my last year at university I met a charming, well traveled older man. My friends and family thought he was lovely. He was the kind of person who would do anything for anyone from giving old ladies a lift to the shops to doing odd jobs for a physically disabled friend. His family were equally fond of me and when a year later we announced that we were expecting a baby the champagne flowed!
From the heading at the top of this page you can guess this idyllic scenario did not last. I cannot say exactly when things started to go wrong; it is difficult to remember now eight years on and to be quite honest I prefer to keep it that way. Some things are best forgotten. What I do remember is that the changes were subtle. Slowly he cut me off from my friends and restricted contact with my family. When I went out on my own I would be given a time to return home and to make sure I adhered to his wishes he would phone me to make sure I was leaving at the specified time. Once ill health forced me to give up work early in the pregnancy I became financially reliant on him and we spent more and more time with his doting parents. He chipped away at my confidence with constant criticism and by publicly humiliating me in front of my friends and family.
As the pregnancy continued he began to drink heavily and it was then that the rows started. I knew that something was not right but I could not admit it out loud, not even to myself, to do so would be to admit that I had made a dreadful mistake or worse …that I had failed. One day while he was walking his dog I bundled my clothes into a bin liner and decided to leave. He returned just as I was opening the boot of my dilapidated old mini and begged me not to leave but to return to the flat and talk things through. As soon as the front door was closed another row erupted as he taunted me for attempting to run away. I remember him knocking me on to the sofa and threatening to ‘hunt me down’ if I ever tried to leave again. From that moment on there would be more pushing and shoving. And more threats.
For a short time after the birth of our daughter it seemed that some semblance of normality might slip into our relationship. Photos were taken of a loving father with his arm wrapped protectively around the mother of his treasured child. Her christening was celebrated and he played the part of the attentive host but once the doors were closed and the novelty had passed the threats and the bruises returned with a vengeance. His heavy drink led to him being banned from driving and dependent on me for transport. This was a severe blow to his macho ego and he took out his frustration by constantly criticizing my driving, telling me I was useless and that I was doing everything wrong.
He turned to drugs in order to keep up with the amount of building work he was receiving. As if his growing dependency on alcohol was not enough. He developed mood swings, erratic behavior and rarely slept at night. He spent increasing amounts of money on his substance abuse leaving less for household bills and expenses and for his family.
One night when our daughter was 14 months old, he decided to wake me up on the hour every hour until 6am. Three hours, later I took our child to her first session of ‘mothers and toddlers’. The room was filled with happy children accompanied by chatting mothers who appeared to live ‘normal’ lives. I so wanted to be one of them yet the thought of one of these women visiting my home for a cup of coffee filled me with dread. As I walked home I decided something had to be done but I had no idea what. Who should I turn to for help, the Samaritans? The kind of people who contacted them were suicidal, desperate people, my problems were trivial by comparison and I had no right to waste their time with my problems. I phoned my parents and tearfully told them everything. Three days later while he was out visiting a friend my parents came round with a police escort to pack our clothes and my daughters toys. Suddenly I felt as if I could breathe again.
When he phoned my parents to ask if they knew where I was he gave no hint that was anything wrong with our relationship and even asked my father out for a drink! Once he realised I had left his tactics changed. His family started to phone me to tell me he was in such a state. His friends called to ask me what was wrong – when I told them what had happened behind closed doors they began telling me about former girlfriends of his who had left him suddenly. Day after day I was bombarded with phone calls and letters from him pleading with me to go back. His parents told me they had called in a ‘crisis team’ because he had become suicidal and that he had been referred to a counsellor for his addictions.
Well meaning friends gave me well meaning advice and eager encouragement not to go back. My parents made suggestions about new living arrangements and how my daughter could be cared for while I returned to work. It seemed to me that once again my life was being mapped out for me, while I was living in fear that some day soon he would carry out his threats to snatch our daughter or to attack my parents. No one seemed to understand my fears instead they were trivialized, ‘oh he’s all talk, he wouldn’t dare!’ Yet those fears were real enough for me to dread going out and to lay awake at night wondering what the future held or if there even was a future. I could not eat or sleep and I felt as if I was standing on the edge of a precipice waiting for a gentle breeze to send me tumbling down into the darkness.
After six weeks I wanted it all to stop and the pain to go away. I wanted to know where he was and what vengeance he was planning. There was only one way to do this.
I went back.
I knew my friends and family would not understand why but I found numerous ways to justify what I was doing. I worked hard to convince them –and myself- that what I was doing was for the best.
When I went back he promised never to take drugs again and to cut down on his drinking. He suggested we moved nearer to his parents so that he would no longer have any contact with friends that might tempt him back to his old ways and we began looking for a house. He paid a deposit on our first holiday abroad and bought clothes and gifts for our daughter and me. The man that I had fallen in love with almost three years before was back and life was sweet once more.
Less than a month later I knew I had walked back into a trap. He quickly turned back to his old ways without the help of any of his friends. This time the threats were far more sinister as he went into detail about how he would kill me and destroy my family. The abuse grew constant as did the rows but this time leaving would be far more difficult as he watched me closer than ever before.
As we moved far from the support of my worried friends and family one piece of well meaning advice stuck in my mind. My mother’s friend had by now moved back to her home town, far from her abusive ex-husband. She had suggested that I went into a refuge for women fleeing domestic violence. At the time I had dismissed her advice. Why would I go into a refuge? I was not suffering from domestic violence. He had never hit me; sure I had bruises but nothing more!
Trapped in a relationship that was growing ever worse, the notion of domestic violence began to grow in my mind. Every time I saw leaflets on the subject I would secretly take one to read during my rare moments of privacy. As I read the various descriptions of domestic violence one message glared out at me from all the others:
domestic violence is not just about physical abuse, it is about living in fear without any control over your life and feeling isolated and powerless.
Armed with this knowledge I found the determination to do something about my situation.
By now our arguments were a daily occurrence. On one occasion I walked out of the house cradling our hysterical daughter while he yelled insults at me. As she was getting older I knew I had to do something before she started suffering from the consequence of my own failure to act. Nine months after we had returned to him I came home from shopping to find evidence of his return to drugs. That was the last straw. Four days later I pretended to take our daughter to her mother and toddler group. I walked around the back of the hall, out into the street behind it and straight into town to the Social Services department.
I gave the duty officer a letter in which I had written down everything I could think of that he had either done to me or threatened me with including what had happened in front of our two year old daughter. The social worker phoned a refuge to arrange somewhere for us to stay and phoned a solicitor to give me immediate advice on my rights. This time I was determined to remain in control. When the social worker told me she had arranged for us to go straight to a refuge I refused to go immediately. We had done nothing wrong, why should we be forced to leave all out possessions behind and go with only the clothes we were wearing? The refuge agreed to keep the room open for me for another two days. Those two day were to be the longest I have ever known. While he played in a pool tournament I packed our clothes and a few possessions in bin liners which I hid in the garage. On the 9th July 1998 at 1: 15pm my daughter and I left by taxi to begin our new lives.
We stayed in two refuges; the first was run by Women’s Aid and the second by a housing association. In both refuges we found women who had been through similar experiences and who supported each other in such a low point in their lives. Both offered counselling and advice on housing and benefits. My daughter met her first ‘best friend’ in the second refuge. I met some very good friends in both.
For me being a single parent is bliss. Compared to the life we had before this is easy! Sure there have been some bad times when I have felt very low but I have never been as low as I was before I left my daughter’s father. No matter how bad things get I know I can cope because I have coped with worse.
If you are in an abusive relationship I hope you can find some inspiration from my experience. Domestic violence in all its forms is devastating but you are not alone and you are not powerless. The first step to regaining control over your life is recognising what is wrong.
Domestic violence is not just physical abuse. It can be emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
I saw over forty women go through the doors of the second refuge and very few of them had any signs of physical injury yet most were terrified of their abusive partners.
Although physical injuries can heal within days, weeks or even months psychological and emotional scars can take years to heal. Depression, panic and anxiety attacks, eating disorders, flash backs, sleeping problems, nightmares and behavioral problems in children are all common after leaving an abusive relationship. If you have any worries or concerns about yours or your child's physical or mental health you need to see your doctor or health visitor. Do not suffer in silence because there is no shame in asking for help and we all need it at some point in our lives.
If you need advice on leaving an abusive partner or on finding somewhere else to live see housing This section also includes agencies dedicated to supporting those who have experienced domestic violence.
If you are concerned about the long term effects of abuse for yourself and your children see counselling and support for information on finding a counsellor and support for you and your children.
If
you need legal advice the Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to
visit and they will also offer advice on housing and benefits you can
find their contact details in the section: useful
information This section also includes contact details for the Samaritans,
BT (British Telecommunications) malicious calls helpline and Voice UK.
Shelter This is a voluntary agency offering advice and assistance to people with housing difficulties. Tel: 0808 800 4444 (helpline). http://www.shelter.org.uk/
Women's
Aid National Helpline This is a national charity
whose aim is to end domestic violence against women and children. They
operate over 400 refuges, helplines, outreach services and advice centres.
Women's Aid National Domestic Violence 24 Hour Helpline 08457 023
468
Northern Ireland 24 hour Helpline (028) 9033 1818
Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline (0800) 027 1234
Republic of Ireland 24 hour Helpline (1800) 341900
www.womensaid.org.uk
Refuge
This is a National Domestic Violence Charity
Head Office
2-8 Maltravers Street
London
WC2B 3EE
Tel: 0990-995-44324
24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0870-599-5443
You can also go to your local council or housing association for information on emergency housing. Some housing associations run their own women’s refuges which work as part of a network, it is therefore possible to be referred to another refuge out of your local area if need be.
Outside the UK
http://www.dvsheltertour.org/ Safe Horizon Domestic Violence website containing information on domestic violence and domestic violence shelters in U.S.A. Also features a list of international websites on domestic violence.
Many refuges offer counselling or can direct families towards counsellors and therapists.
Finding a counsellor in the UK:
http://www.bacp.co.uk/ This is website of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy which offers a search facility for the UK. Other ways to find counselling is to go to your doctor and ask for a referral or to look in the Yellow Pages. NHS referrals often involve lengthy waiting lists but you are usually given the option to go private. Private sessions can cost upwards from £20 each and most people need several sessions each lasting about an hour.
http://rasac.org.uk/ The Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling service (RASAC) offers free and confidential support to women and men who have been raped or sexually abused as adults or as children.
Finding a counsellor in the USA: http://www.nbcc.org/cfind/ This is the National Board for Counsellors and Affiliates and has a search facility for counsellors in various fields including disaster counselling, relationships and families.
Outside the UK:
Your local doctor should be able to refer you to a counsellor or you could try looking in the Yellow Pages or similar such directories. The above US website offers those outside the US a list of counsellors in your country which they will email you; however this is a very limited service.
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Support
for children who have experienced domestic violence:
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Kidscape This is a voluntary agency whose aim is to promote children’s safety, prevent child abuse and bullying Tel 020 7730 3300
NSPCC A national charity which aims to prevent child abuse and neglect Tel 0800 800 500 (24-hour child protection helpline)
Lifeline - Help for Victims of Violence in the Home, Sexual Abuse and Incest This is a voluntary agency offering support and advice for families experiencing domestic violence and abuse in the home. Tel 01262 469 085
National Association of Citizens Advice Bureaux This is a voluntary agency offering free and confidential advice within the local community. To find your local Citizens Advice Bureau call: Tel 020 7833 2181
The Samaritans This is a voluntary agency offering 24 hour support for people feeling depressed, isolated, or in despair. Their national telephone helpline is: Tel 08457 909090
BT advice line For advice on how to deal with malicious telephone calls try the BT malicious calls helpline on: Tel 0800 666700 Or the nuisance call advisory bureau on: 0800 661441
In response to the following message we have now extended this page to include: Information on Domestic Violence for " Male Victims"
I was just reading the Domestic Violence pages on this site. Is it possible that you can add info for male victims of domestic violence. Having been a victim myself i know how hard it is to get help and info when you are a bloke facing the same problems. I also now know more than a few lone dads who have suffered abuse - in all cases getting help, support and info was very difficult.
England
Men's
Advice Line and Enquiries
Telephone: 020 8644 9914
Open from 9am to 10pm, Monday and Wednesday.
Chiltern
Telephone: 01494 432000
24-hour help line.
Devon
Telephone: 0845 064 6800
Open from 10.00am until 9.00pm on Mondays and from 10.00am until 5.00pm
Tuesdays to Thursdays. A secure voicemail is available outside these
hours. This is a pilot initiative which includes a research and evaluation
dimension and will run until March 2004 providing telephone information
and advice as well as face-to-face support by both paid and volunteer
counsellors.
Mentor
Telephone: 0191 261 9990
7pm-10pm Tuesday and Thursday
Warrington
ARC
Telephone: 01925 244281
http://www.healthyrelationships.org.uk/
Specialist, non-gendered service based in North Cheshire for anyone
affected by issues of violence or abuse in a domestic or caring setting.
MesMac
(for Gay and Bisexual Men)
Telephone: 01642 804400
Men
in Crisis Helpline
Telephone: 020 8893 5563
Wales
Men
Experience Domestic Abuse (MEDA)
Telephone: 01938 556749
(24hr line 01686 629114) Based in Powys.
http://www.familycrisis.co.uk/
Northern Ireland
Men's
Advisory Project
Telephone: 028 90241929
24hr line. Based in Belfast.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/content.html
Men
to Men
Telephone: 028 90 237779
North Down and Greater Belfast areas.
http://www.mensproject.org/mendir/mentomen.html
AMEN
Ireland
Telephone: (+353) 046 23718
http://www.amen.ie/
General resources
Battered
Husband Support
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/batteredhusbandssupport/
Relate
Telephone: 0800 9805907
http://www.relate.org.uk/
Samaritans
Telephone: 01325 465465
http://www.samaritans.co.uk/
Other resources for male victims
BBC's Hitting Home - Domestic Violence - Male victims of domestic violence
Borderline Personality Disorder Sanctuary
This
page was created by members of our support group
Helen (Kyote) To show that a sufferer can regain control of their
life again.
The information regarding
Domestic Violence for " male victims" was provided
by"Natalie"
If you have an idea for a web-page and would like to see it on this
site please contact us
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