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It is all about support...
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Wind and frost on top of long winter nights makes for the perfect reason to stay indoors, fact is we don't even want to go out when the weather is that bad. So rather than battle the elements we chuck another log on the fire and cuddle up with a good book. My son aged two, was not then at nursery school, so except for an occasional grocery run to the corner shop we just didn't go out. |
It wasn't until the good weather came and it was time to get back out there, I realised I had a bit of a bit of a problem. Walking to the post box or messing around in the garden was fine, but going on even a small journey made me feel extremely nervous, anxious and vulnerable, stupid I know, but not having felt this way about something as simple as going out, only made me feel worse. Although going out seemed to be the root of the problem, the fear of having to deal with people whether I knew them of not, some how played its part in the problem. The more I thought about it the more convinced I became, that all could sense my unease, and hear the tremor in my voice. But what scared me the most was that I didn't really know what was happening to me.
I did acutely think at one point the men in white coats would be coming to take me away, and that made me realise that if I didn't sort myself out, that's exactly what would happen. I began by going out walking in and around the local forest, stopping every so often to ask myself how I felt, and to praise my every step. Walking around saying "this isn't so bad what's so difficult about this" seemed to somehow make me feel better and having my son along helped a lot, soon we were collecting things chucking leaves about, played hide and seek. Only when I was out there could I see that there was nothing to fear, and the sad bad feelings were only in my head. Now whatever the weather I make certain that I get out as often as I can.
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Giving
and Receiving !...
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For some of us, receiving is harder than giving. We've no trouble giving insight, giving hope, giving courage, giving advice, giving support, giving money, even giving ourselves. No, our greatest challenge is to become gracious receivers. By receiving, we acknowledge our need of others and that's hard on our ego. We also reveal to the giver that they have something worth giving; we add value to their lives. Often it's only in the eyes of the receiver that the giver discovers his worth.
When somebody gives us a watch but we never wear it, is that watch really received? When they offer us an idea and we don't at least consider it, is that idea even appreciated? When they introduce us to a friend, but we ignore them, is that friend truly accepted?
Receiving
is an art. It allows others to become part of our lives; even to become
dependent on them in certain areas. It requires the grace to say "I
need you; without you, I wouldn't be who I am". Receiving from
the heart requires love and humility. Too many people are wounded
and never reach out again, because their gifts weren't valued. So
today, let's try to be good givers and receivers!
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Does
it ever get any easier: Yes it does.
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The real answer to this question is not a simple one, I do not have all the answers nor do I have a magic wand. (Wish I had though), but as a single parent for 13 years I can tell you this. If you wait for things to get better and do nothing its not going to happen. If you sit in your home waiting for Mrs. or Mr. Knight in shinning armor to appear, it can happen, but chances are it won't happen. In short if you're sitting in a room doing nothing chances are that nothing will change, improve or get better. (You must plan for your future) search your heart, soul and mind for a master plan, and the courage to see it through.
Time
is a great healer and pain does subside, but you must try to use your
time wisely. You have to adjust your train of thought and see a disadvantage
as a new opportunity and turn it to your advantage. (Today is the
first day of the rest of your life).
You have to find the strength not to forget but to move on, stand
up and fight to offer your children the best that love can provide.
(And you can do it)
The best way to feel better if you're not working, and spending too much time alone. Is by way of achievement, this can be anything from learning a second language, kick boxing, ball room dancing, math's or a computing certificate. But don't stop there consider doing a degree at university. You now have the opportunity to start again, and build a new life for yourself.
There is an old saying that says " an idle mind is the devils tool", and in our case it is true. Don't dwell in the past beating yourself up over what you should have or should not of done. Your mind will work overtime trying to figure out why and, for what reason you are now in this predicament. Give you mind something else to think about, and all the while you are in a leaning environment you will be making new friends, and keeping alive our basic survival skills, like for example, your ability to communicate, smile and prosper.
I
know it sounds like I'm doing a hard sell on the importance of education,
but there's a lot more to it than simply gaining a qualification.
You also boost your confidence and self respect, but above all it
will make you smile
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A
lone-parent can easily become a very alone-person
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It's
a slow process but it does happen to lots of people, not by choice but
by simply being a victim of circumstance.
The majority of lone-parents receive income support which offers, even
after careful budgeting little if any money to spend on themselves.
First,
They reduce their nights out, but many people soon stop going out altogether.
Second, Our friends seem not come round
as often as they used to, especially if they are working. Third,
You may not be buying yourself as many nice new clothes as you would
perhaps like, leading towards a feeling that you're not quite looking
your best.
All of these things do have a knock on effect and pretty soon you don't mind not looking your best, since you no longer think about going out, and even if you would quite like to go out, who would you go with.
Then without you even realising it, your social skills start to get rusty, and adult conversation become a bit of a novelty rather than an every day occurrence.
These things do happen but not overnight, which gives you the time to act now and stop the rot, but unless you keep a check on things it will happen.
Force yourself to have a night out with adults as often as possible, even if it's only a few drinks at your local pub every two weeks. If you can't find a friend to go with join a club to do line or ball room dancing. Try to get socially active as much as you possibly can.
If you can't face a social gathering your social skills are in desperate need of attention,
Start by (for example) taking the kids to the park maybe organise a picnic, then invite your child to invite a few friends, then maybe in time invite a friends mum. Then maybe arrange some coffee mornings or a night out. I know that these things are easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere, and this is at least a start.
The
point here is to get out of the house as often as you can, only then
will you start to make new friends, after all. Who are you likely to
meet in your sitting room.
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Home
support network !...
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A
marriage or partnership offers something so basic it's actually taken
for granted. Simply speaking it's having someone to blow off steam and
talk through the day's problems and achievements with, but it's the
best stress buster that money cannot buy. It's like having you very
own (in house) therapist, so believe it or not all that bitching and
moaning is actually really good for you, but is only healthy in moderation
If
your a single parent and don't have anyone to bug at home about the
days events, phone a friend or get to a chat room. If none of these
are an option, you still must get the days events out of your system.
Start by keeping a diary, even if it's only to say "My boss sucks"
it will work as a stress buster, and will in some way make you feel
better. Should this not have the desired effect, buy a punch bag, seriously.
It's a guaranteed anger buster, especially if you strap a picture of
your boss or ex partner to it. If you don't find an outlet for that
bottled anger it will only lead to stress overload. 
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Why
do people say !..
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If someone put a bucket of money in the middle of the room, and then said .. "You can have it, it's all yours, but only it if someone else agrees", would you resent the person who said, No!,? of course you would.
So why do people say to our kids that they will buy them (whatever) but only if it's OK with your mother (or father) This statement simply builds up the child's hopes and puts us in a very difficult position.
Of course the kid wants a new (whatever) but then its up to mum (or dad) to turn into the good the bad or the ugly.
And should you say no (for whatever reason) the child will of course be very upset. The person offering to buy it however, remains forever the good guy and fails to see the damage that they are doing to our parent child relationship.
If
they really want what is best for the child, they should surely think
about consulting us first, and avoid the child's disappointment 
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