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It is all about support... |
What's
a natural survival technique ? Anxiety; can become the cause of many so called survival techniques and we soon learn to steer clear of any potential discomfort or danger! If for example if we lived in the jungle and we stumbled across a snake.. We would instinctively walk around it ... thus protect ourselves from harm. |
What's
a bad survival technique ?
For example: Typically many single parents avoid couple orientated gatherings!
This you could say, is not your prefered choice of company!
What
is a learned survival technique!
Have you ever cut yourself while using a sharp knife, then put it to
the back of the draw, then find that you instinctively or unconsciously
stop using it ?
It's
the same with places !
The same rules still apply in our concrete jungle, things are really
no different. I mean: Once you have strolled though a certain area of
town only to be insulted by youth's, it doesn't have to happen too often
before you find yourself walking around that area and avoiding a potential
situation.
Lets
take it a step further:
If for example; you went to a particular cafe or restaurant, and it
made you feel for whatever reason uneasy, insecure or anxious. Well
pretty soon there's a good chance that your going to decide to stop
going there. Why go somewhere that makes you feel uncomfortable, you
do after all go out to have fun
What's
the difference!
What
if for example; it was your local super store that you visited and every
time you went, it made you feel anxious, it's not that you're in danger
or harms way!
But when you go to the local food market you feel fine: It's not going
to be too long before you (instinctively or unconsciously) start to
avoid the super store in favor of the market...
It's not that you cant go to the super store, it's simply that the market is a more comfortable place for you to shop. And soon becomes your preferred choice.
Let's
take it a step further:
Say for example you start to feel uncomfortable in crowded
rooms! Will you start to avoid these situations, simply shrugging it
off ... with: "Nar not today its too crowded I don't fancy going
in there today" ... it's not that you can't go in there, you simply
don't want to, and before long (instinctively or unconsciously) you
start avoiding crowded rooms.
Without
even realizing it you are creating what we shall call "Safe Places"
As
a single parent you are your own boss and not having that shoulder to
lean on, or another around to suggest otherwise, you soon find yourself,
(simply because its more comfortable) only using these safe places
Not
a problem! (Yet)
These are survival instincts remembered to safe guard you
against potential discomfort ... its natural .. but is it healthy ?
It's very easy to learn them.. But not so easy to un-learn!
Can
you see what's happening ?
Your
running out of places to go, and very soon its going to start affecting
your everyday life. The places you thought you were avoiding by choice
suddenly become places that you dare not venture.
Try real hard not to avoid too many places :-)
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Be
kind to yourself !..
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Spending
time picking up pulling apart, then piecing together, events from the
past, can seem at the time nothing short of self persecution, and is
all part of the process of, moving on. But go careful as to where you
lay blame, try real hard to look at things from every conceivable angle,
as spending time without others to bounce your thoughts around with,will
only leave you with a one sided point of view, thus we believe only
what suits ourselves. This can work in our favour, but should low self-esteem
creep in, you can have yourself believe anything, including the worst.
Find someone to talk with, you get no brownie points here for suffering
in silence !..
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Dealing with Angry X-partners !..
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You
must find the strength to deal with these situations in a calm relaxed
manner, if you get angry, they will respond with anger, resulting in
yet another argument. Try being really nice but firm, it's a lot harder
to be nasty to someone who is being so nice. You can be as angry as
you like when they have gone. Note: it's real important at this point
to expel that anger so buy a punch bag and take it out on that, but
don't let them see you're even remotely bothered by their immature behavior
;-) But you must listen to what's being said and some how find some
middle ground, read the rest of this page just in case your situation
has clouded your judgment.
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Self
Respect !..
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All
of us from time to time, need a bit of gentle pampering it is after
all only human nature. But consider carefully what you do, your self
respect may be a lot more fragile than you think. Remember, if in doubt
kiss and cuddle without. Chances are you will be glad you didn't in
the morning
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The art of self preservation !..
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There
are many things that we take for granted, and our well being is one
of them. The art of self preservation is all about taking control of
our emotions, and deciding for our selves what is best, and that means
what's best for you and your own. It is perhaps a tad selfish, but at
this point in time it's no bad thing. Taking on the role as a single
parent also includes the taking care of yourself, this may at first
seem easy but in practice it is not, no more do you get that complement,
nod of approval or pat on the back. You now have no one to answer to
and no one to answer you back. You now have to encourage your own confidence
and question your own doubts. This is by no means an easy task and is
a constant battle of wills, you may well stand as one but within there
are two battling the odds on "shall I or shall I not", etc.
Don't be afraid to ask others their opinion on important issues, as
a one sided argument will only ever give you the answer that you want
to hear, and not necessarily the right one.
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Get out as much as you can !..
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Wind
and frost on top of long winter nights makes for the perfect reason
to stay indoors, fact is when the weathers that bad we don't even want
to go out. So rather than battle the elements we chuck another log on
the fire and cuddle up with a good book. Read why not to do this, at
the Pearls of Wisdom page
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Cabin
Fever !..
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Parents
of small children who, want to get out but cannot, will experience what
is known as Cabin Fever. Strong feelings of frustration, along with
pent up energy can have you climbing the walls. We suggest you get yourself
an exercise bike or do indoor step aerobics. Put some music on and dance
around with the kids, do anything that burns up energy, this will help
lower your frustration and anxiety level, and make you feel a whole
lot better.
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Everyone is afraid of something ..
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And
it does without doubt in some way hold us back from being all that we
can be. Spend sometime being honest with yourself and identify your
fears. Then one by one try to face them. My biggest fear is that people
will see my fear, what's yours ?
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Accept what you cannot change !..
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We
must learn to accept what we cannot change, all of us at some point
have moments of regret, learning to live with them is real important.
Listing these events will help you identify what you can put right and
what you cannot. For example, if you failed to give your all, in a subject
at school, go back to class and put it right. It matters not how large
or small these regrets are, the point is to put right the ones you can,
but live with the ones you cannot.
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Keep a check on your Social Skills !..
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Much of what we do in our every day lives, is only possible because we have mastered the art of certain social skills, like communicating. This like any of our skills is only available to us because it has been practiced, and if it has been practiced well, along comes confidence to back it up, and together they make a winning team. However, one doesn't work very well without the other. So unless the practice is kept up sooner or later one, if not both will simply disappear.
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